Do you have one of these in your life? These people “bait you,” poke at you or whisper degrading little comments under their breath about you or someone you care about. They may comment about something you are insecure about or make you anxious. They may say things like, “Are you sure you want to wear that dress? It looks a little tighter than it used to.” Or, “she’s not really your friend. She is just putting up with you because you are with me.” Or, “the boss put you on that project because I turned it down. Are you sure you feel up to the work?”
Instead of protecting you or supporting you, they use what they know about you against you. They will attempt to make you crack with a million teeny hits until you finally shatter and come unhinged. And then, the more emotional or retaliatory you become, the calmer they become.
Once they have elicited the reaction they want, they suddenly become almost serene. They might look at you with an icy stare and say something like, “Wow. You must have a mental disorder or maybe you are just crazy to come unglued like that. You definitely need help.” Or, “You remind me of that child in the grocery store whose mother won’t buy her candy. Grow up. A tantrum won’t get you anywhere, not with me anyway”. Or,and I love this one, “Oh, it’s Friday. Isn’t Friday meltdown day?”
This is the work of a narcissist. A favorite technique used by narcissists is called, “Baiting.” Baiting is the deliberate attempt to taunt or provoke a person to gain a desired reaction; usually an argument or fight. It is a clear sign of psychological manipulation. It is a form of abuse. Narcissists are masters at tormenting their targets until they explode in retaliation. They have a way of lighting the match and then stepping aside to delight in the explosion. And then, point the finger at you for being crazy.
Most experts are in agreement that narcissism is on the rise. Chances are you or someone you know has been hurt by a narcissist.
Whereas only about 5% of the population are diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), it is widely believed that as much as 30% of the adult population in the United States have undiagnosed narcissistic personality traits. Why? Because narcissists typically do not seek therapy. They believe you are the problem. It is never them.
Aside from the technical clinical descriptions of narcissism, simply put, narcissists are vampires. Whether it is by physical, emotional or mental means, if you are their target, they suck the very life essence right out of you. What they seek to drain from you is called “supply.” One expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a popular podcaster and clinical psychologist said, “Narcissists are the secondhand smoke of mental health.” You are damaged just by being in close proximity, just by breathing.”
Baiting is one of the worst kinds of narcissistic behaviors. Master-Baiter-Narcissists become balanced and settled as you become unbalanced and unsettled. What are they after? CONTROL; control of you and control of the situation. And they will stop at nothing to gain that control that they think they are losing. They will double down as many times as necessary until you finally react. It’s frustrating, exhausting and slowly whittles away your self-esteem.
What can you do to stop this from happening to you? There are several effective techniques that I explain in detail and teach during my sessions, but let’s tackle the hardest one right now.
FLIP IT AROUND IN YOUR MIND
When people “bait” you, and say something untrue or unkind, know that they are really talking about themselves and how they really feel about themselves deep inside. It’s true! But, the only way a narcissist can express their feelings is to direct them at you. They cannot self regulate and self soothe the way you can. It’s a long explanation. What it boils down to is the only way they can feel better is by making someone else feel worse. And you are that person for them.
If you have a person like this in your life, I can help. Email me at Katelyn@coachkatelyn.com