Letter to Coach Katelyn
*names and details have been changed to protect the client's identity
Darcy wrote;
Dear Katelyn,
I have been following your work for a while now. I am sad to say my boyfriend and I broke up about a year ago. I want him back. I want to write him an email to see if he is interested in communicating with me. I am careful to follow your rules about how to communicate with a man and I know emails of this sort can be very tricky. I am thinking about having you coach me through it. But before I spend the money, I would like you to clear something up for me.
In your blog posts about this subject, you mentioned 4 rules. The second one confuses me:
Do not have attachment to the outcome of any situation with your man.
I have no idea what you mean by this. If I write to him and have nothing attached to the outcome, why would I bother to write him in the first place?
Why would I even want to have a relationship with anyone? Why not just forget it and live alone? I am not trying to be a jerk here, but I feel upset and frustrated by your words. Can you explain?
Love,
Darcy
Darcy,
Thank you so much for writing. I love your question!
First, you are right. Initiating contact with a man under the best of circumstances can be tricky business. I am not saying it is wrong 100% of the time, but there are challenges that go with initiating contact that I can explain and help you with that you might not be aware of. If you decide to contact him, it’s really important to be in the right state of mind and feeling when and if you do it.
In the end, it is up to you to decide. I trust you and I have your back no matter what. That said, let me answer your question to help you get to where you want to be when there is an offer for contact whether initiated by you or him.
Maybe a better way to think of rule 2 would be...
“Can I handle any outcome to any situation involving him, whether he reacts positively or negatively without letting it define me? "
Look, beautiful Darcy, I DO understand when you love someone, especially when you believe you might have lost them, entertaining place of non-attachment and non- judgement is a difficult concept.
Screw that right?
Give me a chance to explain…
We are born with an ego. The ego’s job is to protect us. The ego has a very deep sense of lack. The lack presents itself in the way of a feeling; a sense of having a hole inside.
Something is missing.
The ego spends all its time trying to fill that hole with something. It wants to fill the hole that has always been there ever since detachment from the first relationship.
Depending on your beliefs, the first separation might present as separation from your mother. Maybe you believe the first separation for you was the separation from God, Spirit or the Universe. Or, maybe you understand the first separation was the separation from one’s self.
Maybe it is something else…
Whatever your beliefs, the journey is the same. It doesn’t matter what you call it.
Either way, you want the hole filled! You want to be in love and you want to be loved. You want and deserve to be happy.
I don’t blame you!
So, as we reach adulthood, one of the main areas the ego uses to fill that original pain or lack, is through “the other person; our love interest.” When that happens, the entire focus is about, “the ONE” who is going to complete you... the one who is going to finally fill the hole.
This is initially how and why we fall in love. Occasionally we get lucky and the feeling is reciprocated by someone...Great right?
Yes, it is.
Or is it?
When one or both come into a relationship looking to the other for completion of one’s self, it eventually causes havoc. (When the honeymoon phase ends).
You’ve been there before, right?
You know…when his socks on the floor are beginning to smell or you finally realize his time with friends is leaving you feeling ignored or his little habits and mannerisms are no longer cute.
But, you love him anyway.
Even though you both may feel you are going to be, “The ONE” to complete each other, you begin to see, it isn’t happening the way you thought it might.
The truth is, it is an impossibility.
Believe me when I tell you, he cannot fill you and you cannot complete him no matter how hard you try.
Soon doubt enters.
How is a person going to fill this monumental task?
Disagreements happen.... The relationship starts to ebb and flow.
You feel, “You are not doing what I want for me to be happy and I’m resentful and pissed.” (EBB)
Or. (FLOW), when you feel he is doing what you want to make you happy and so you are relaxed.
You are in a major EBB right now. There is hope. I can help.
DO THIS:
- Sit in the discomfort of the ebb’s when they happen.
- Back off from blame and resentment.
- Lean back.
- Take yourself and your energy away from your man and instead look to these times to concentrate on what you love. (besides him).
- Take charge of your ego. Tell it thanks, but no thanks.
- Forgive your ego and forgive your man. Both were just being themselves…. best they knew how.
- Give yourself what you are missing from him.
To all my Whisperer’s out there. If you are in this situation and want your ex back, I can help. Send me an email at katelyn@coachKatelyn.com and tell me your situation. I’ll set up a free 20-minute consultation for you and get you on your way to having the love you want.