If You've Ever Been Jealous...Read This NOW
I received another letter from a dear reader recently:
Katelyn,
I have a confession and I need some help. I thought I was doing SOOOOO great. I was feeling darned proud of myself and how well I was doing when… RING RING…
My blood instantly started to boil. BANG! I just couldn’t stand it!
“If she calls one more time today or early in the morning while we are still in bed I am going to scream out loud!”
You see, my man of 4 years, has a close relationship with his newly divorced, 10 years younger female business partner. I wanted to be his business partner, but he turned me down because he "never mixes business with pleasure..." So, for the past year I've kept my mouth shut and put up with her. But as their business heads towards success, he spends more and more time with her. It appears they are connected at the hip. His business is all that matters to him.
I am being ignored...and she gets all his attention! Last night, in that moment, jealousy reared its ugly head so completely, so ferociously ...It took my breath away. I was surprised by the deep rage of it.
I was filled with explosive emotion! My mind was shouting, “AGAIN? I hate her!...and I thought things I am ashamed to mention even to you.
That was last night at 10 pm and I am still steaming. You have wisely counseled for me to indulge in this awful rage-full Jealousy, as it only helps me to practice for a future I don’t want and I am trying so hard.
But right now I don’t care! I am tired of trying to be calm and sitting back and feminine and soft! None of it makes any difference right now. You have cautioned about allowing my thoughts to drop into the throws of uncomfortable “lower-vibrating” emotions. What is wrong with me that I don’t get it? “AHHHHHH!”
I can’t even stand to read my own words! I am pissed off! I am jealous and angry and hurt!
He already knows I am not fond of her. I didn't keep my mouth shut. I told him that the endless heart emoji’s and texts that she sends are disrespectful to our relationship and that she has no boundaries for what is business and what is personal.
He said he’d take care of it. That was months ago. The emojis and the invitations stopped for the most part, but that is because he spends most of his waking hours with her. He admits she may have feelings for him, but he says “I don’t want her, it’s just business.”
Now he has stopped telling me about his day or mentioning her name. When he does mention anything, he is guarded. He knows I resent her. I ask him what his day has in store or how it was and he simply says, “Work.”
I am living on pins and needles! I feel so disrespected or like if I screw up, I’m out and she is in! I think she’s been planning this from day 1. She knows the way to my mans attention is through his business. I know she wants him. She is divorced with 3 young kids that need a daddy...am afraid she is winning!
Can you help me before I do something else that I will regret? How do I change before it pushes my man away completely!
I am green with jealousy,
Victoria
Victoria,
Thank you so much for your honesty and letting me see your truth—and OMG! I feel your pain.
I know you've worked hard, your writing shows it! You've come so far. Now, I am going to ask you to do something really hard. Please trust me on this one...
STOP! DROP EVERYTHING!
I am about to show you something life changing that will help you get the love you want and deserve. It's called GETTING REAL.
When I was where you are, I somehow, after months—years of searching, figured out that until I was able to get real with myself, nothing was real. I was operating in my relationship as fake. Inauthentic. Unreal. I came face to face with reality that I didn't know how to be real or what real was if I tripped over it.
I was too busy trying to be perfect.
I spent my time imagining and figuring out what it was he wanted me to be and then...
*POOF!*
I became that...
I was trying to prove my worthiness, my perfectness, my "perfect girlfriend or wife-ness", and I did not even know it! I did what what I thought mattered.
I was wrong. But it wasn't my fault, and it's not yours either.
I knew, even though we were already living together, I wanted him to choose me in some special way, to make me feel like something. I was sure that would give me a life to fit into, a world to fit into, and a role to play...
Just tell me what you want me to be and I’ll do it, be it.
I was really, really good at picking up on cues on what someone wants me to be. I’ll bet you are too.
In fact, we’re so good at reading other people, because we have to be. One slip up and we could be dismissed, rejected, banished from the kingdom!
Tossed out.
Discarded.
Not chosen.
Unworthy.
WORTHLESS.
OMG, the pressure was insurmountable!
When I toyed with the concept and challenged my belief systems, the ones taught to me by my mother, teachers and even men...I got a little crazy! We were taught that our survival as a woman depends on our men and if we don’t read the cues and pick up on what it is they are looking for, we won’t be loved—at least not by the ones that matter. Not HIM.
And without that, we have nothing. We are nothing. I want you to understand this.
I denied it. LOUDLY!
I am too smart, too evolved, too well educated, enlightened and too sophisticated....fill in the blanks! I have a great career and I am beautiful and I have a rock-star body....I defended! Bla, bla, bla....
I had every answer as to why not.
It took a long time to get over myself and open up just a crack to the possibility that my deep seeded beliefs were operating in the background like a computer program and I wasn't aware of it, thwarting my every attempt to be happy. Could it be? Could I have been mislead? Is there a different point of view I hadn't considered?
Finally and at once, my heart cracked, light trickled in....and I saw.
I sobbed for a very long time. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think of that dark dark time in my life. But once I dried by swollen eyes, and opened my heart to a new possibility of truth, there was no going back.
I am here now to help you, guide you and show you the way:
You don’t need your man to give you worth, to make you feel worthy, to make you feel like you can take your rightful place.
As a matter of fact, he cannot give it to you. And Goodness as my witness, you don't want him to even try! Only you can give you true worth.
Only you can give you, YOU.
You have worth just because you are!
No, especially because you ARE YOU!
Have you heard this before?
Does it sound like a bunch of horse manure to you? New age psych-babble perhaps?
Yes, It did me too. It sounded foreign, unbelievable, and more.
If you are like me, you will say that you understand and get it and have heard it all before, but I can tell you that you won’t really believe it until you get there yourself. My saying it or anyone else saying it - no matter how many times - won’t make a difference until you’re ready to receive it. The only way you’ll be ready to receive it is when you finally give up the search.
This incessant search for something outside of yourself to make you feel okay inside yourself. Deep down inside. You know, that place where you feel there’s everything wrong with you and nothing right...
And you don’t know why, or what to do about it, or how to get it, but here, in our culture—we’re raised to believe that something amazing happens to us once some guy chooses us and makes us his bride, we live happily ever after.
That something magically happens to suddenly make us okay inside and takes all the wrong away and makes us all right.
The tragic part is that you actually believe that’s how it happens. And that’s why we’ll sell our souls, give up what we might actually enjoying doing, give up our lives, what little we know of ourselves and what we might like to do for a life.
We're willing to give it all up if we can get a script to what we need to be to get that feeling inside of us that makes us feel like we’re okay.
That we’re chosen.
Like an auction block.
To make it even more painful, we were taught that it’s us against them—so we can’t get too close to the competition either, which is why we sometimes don’t have too many girlfriends, lest they get picked over us...
So we deny ourselves even more! What we’re fighting for isn’t just about a guy. It’s about our very essence. Our worthiness.
If SHE gets chosen over us, then that means SHE has it and we don’t.
Can you see the lie? Can you see the viscous circle?
It isn’t really about your man or who he is as a person. What you seem to be after is about him choosing you the way you think you should be chosen to make you whole and loved.
Somehow, we have it so backward.
How could we have lost ourselves so completely? The tragedy is the extent that we actually believe the lie. It’s only because I’ve been there that I can tell you that you bought into the lie too and I will say it again, its not your fault. I believed it. I drank the cool-aid.
I finally understood the secret and I want you to understand too so you can be happy, fulfilled, relaxed and at peace and enjoy your relationship with your man. I can promise, if you are willing to do the work, something’s going to click and you’re going to see the light, and yourself, for who you really are.
There is no perfect package.
There’s just a real you and a real him and a real relationship that’s waiting to unfold and begin.
Even if you have been together for years, its available to you. Right now.
But the irony is, it can’t begin until you show up.
Let me help you to show up.
But here’s another little tidbit that we just don’t seem to get. This guy, and any guy, all he wants is to be loved for who he is, too. Funny thing though, men look to us to guide the ship even though they drive it.
It boils down to this:
Consider that we don’t know ourselves that well. And what we do know, we don’t like. Maybe we don’t think we’re good enough, and we don’t think anyone will love us if they know who we really are. We get scared that there’s a scarcity out there, that there’s no one left for us, that there isn’t someone who's going to come alongside us one day and be that guy for us, that we'll be alone.
We're scared to admit it. We are scared to ask for what we want.
So, we turn off the one thing a relationship needs to survive: ourselves, our true feminine and authentic nature, and our ability to be truly open and vulnerable.
We want be loved and accepted by our man-who will love us just the way we are. That’s what we deserve—nothing less.
It cannot happen unless you show up.
What do you deserve, Beautiful Victoria?
I can show you the way.
Do you dare to show up?
Love in Whisperings,
Katelyn